Norman Boutin and Other Countries

Depicted: Things Norman Boutin does not understand, or want to understand.

As evidenced by his writing, Norman Boutin has proven that he has a very limited understanding of other countries, their relationship with the United States, or how they operate in general. Whether it is describing a country with only stereotypes or showing his lacking knowledge of international diplomacy, Norman can be counted on to write something incorrect concerning international affairs.

France

Theresa visits Paris to rest when she should be getting ready to save the world from ruin. She's unimpressed, saying American cities have just as much to offer, but not bothering to say what those things are.

Theresa and Steve visit a fancy restaurant while there, and Theresa comments on how rude the staff are for ignoring her and her husband. For having no reservation, not meeting the dress code, and walking in and helping themselves to seats like a pair of stereotypical stuck-up American tourists.

Germany

For a brief period in chapter 15, Theresa and Steve visit Germany, where they visit Neuschwanstein Castle and participate in Oktoberfest. Both of them consume ridiculous amounts of beer, get drunk, and embarrass themselves. So much for Theresa being a good Catholic girl!

Ireland

After Paris, Theresa visits Ireland where she partakes in traditional Irish dancing instead of working to prevent global starvation, as one does. While small, this segment of the book has no impact on the rest of the story. In fact, it only serves to make Theresa look even more privileged and spoiled, since she takes a vacation that nearly dooms the entire world and comes out of it with only the most surface-level observations of the stereotypes of each respective country.

It is unclear if Norman understands that Ireland is an independent country and not part of the United Kingdom. Though being an Irish American Theresa is welcomed to England as "one of her own."

Israel

Israel becomes involved in Empress Theresa in chapter 18, when OPEC demands that it be returned to the Palestinians. Despite being threatened by neighboring enemies since the country's inception, this apparently concerns Prime Minister Scherzer enough that he approaches the Hartleys about the future of his country. Their solution is to move the entire population of Israel, including Jerusalem, to an artificial island in the shape of the Star of David.

According to Norman, the Israelis would be willing to leave the land that they believe was given to them by God in order to be safe from their enemies. Not only is this evacuation completely unnecessary, but it involves Israel forsaking its ancestral homeland. In this case, Norman seems so eager to recreate the Book of Exodus that he is willing to lead Israel away from the Promised Land. Moreover, this agreement between Scherzer and Theresa is made without any say from the Israeli people, who are just expected to abandon their country at the drop of a hat.

Speaking of Exodus, Theresa's plan to "save" Israel involves making a land bridge from Israel to Crete where the Israelis can evacuate until their island is complete. This is done without the permission of the Greek government, of course. Norman's geographic ignorance comes to light here. If he is so intent on evacuating Israel to an island in the Mediterranean, why not Cyprus? It's bigger in area than Crete and much closer. Norman would probably make the argument that the north part of the country is controlled by Islamic Turkey and therefore an enemy to Israel, but if Theresa has no qualms about making the Korean peninsula an island (see below), then it would definitely be in character for her to separate North and South Cyprus. Granted, this is still a terrible solution, but it makes more sense than walking the 638 miles from Jerusalem to Crete.

Afterward, Theresa suggests that Scherzer get the Nobel Peace Prize for being a coward and evacuating his country without the permission of his own people.

North Korea

North Korea first emerges in chapter 12 when it attempts to bomb Theresa's water columns with a nuclear missile. The logic behind this is that the collapsing columns will create tsunamis that will kill millions of people on the coasts of enemy nations, as well as damage their economies. What Norman seems to forget here is that North Korea is also a coastal nation, so an event designed to harm countries such as South Korea and Japan will be equally, if not more, catastrophic for an underdeveloped state with ample amounts of coastline. Just a quick look at a map would have shown that this idea is patently ridiculous.

However, North Korea reemerges in chapter 23 when a group of defectors and one South Korean approach Theresa and show her an anachronistic VHS tape about the horrors of the country. This singlehandedly convinces Theresa that North Korea must be stopped at all costs. The fact that Theresa was so ignorant about the situation in North Korea despite her almost being a world dictator at this point unintentionally serves to show the reader how inexperienced she is, and how professionals should really be in charge of HAL.

Nevertheless, Theresa is given full leeway to simply invade North Korea. Her plan for this completely unnecessary venture is to use HAL to destroy a path of weapons based on shape alone. Because North Korea is a highly secretive nation that has been dubbed "The Hermit Kingdom", it is very likely that they would have some types of weapons unknown to the rest of the world with a shape that HAL wouldn't recognize. These weapons would therefore survive Theresa's purge, highlighting the sheer idiocy of this plan.

Moreover, Theresa decides that she must run North Korea dictatorially for some period of time as a United States officer. Sadly, her explicit desire to inherit the Kim regime doesn't raise any red flags, so her reign of terror over the entire world continues.

To make the invasion easier, Theresa moves the entire Korean peninsula, along with the Japanese island of Tsushima, into the Pacific ocean to prevent China from helping North Korea. Naturally, this is done without the permission of any nations involved.

Once the invasion is underway, Theresa gives a horrendously self-serving speech that moves the North Koreans to accept their freedom. What Norman fails to recognize here is that the majority of North Korea's population is brainwashed to believe that the United States is their enemy. Therefore, a random American moving in and completely dismantling their government without their permission would not be taken very well. Because the North Koreans are so isolated, they have no knowledge of how poor their standard of living is, and would only see Theresa as a conquering tyrant. The transition to capitalism after over half a century spent as a command economy will cause widespread confusion as well as the crumbling of the established social order in the country, creating even more chaos. Since Korea is now an island and the North Koreans cannot flee into the more familiar environment of China, a terrible refugee crisis will likely ensue with millions of unemployed North Koreans fleeing to the south. Overall, Theresa's hackneyed invasion of North Korea will likely bring more misery than it ever sought to alleviate.

Spain

According to Theresa, two unnamed girls from her college went on vacation to Barcelona, where they would have "wild orgies" with Spanish studs. Since nobody knew them there, they could later pass off as virgins back in the USA.

South Korea

While South Korea is on good terms with the United States, it's highly unlikely that they would be comfortable with an American like Theresa governing the North, whom they see as the same people and would want to incorporate into South Korea as soon as possible. Furthermore, Theresa ripping the Korean peninsula from mainland Asia and turning it into an island without anyone's permission will likely sour American-Korean relations.

The United Kingdom

Theresa's bizarre relationship with Great Britain begins in chapter 2 when a man named Jeremy Benton casually meets her in a public library and tells her that he is the aide to Prime Minister Peter Blair. Furthermore, he offers her sanctuary in England in order to protect her from President Martin.

Not only is it ridiculous that such serious matters would be discussed in public at a library rather than somewhere official such as the British embassy, but it is equally absurd that the UK is so concerned about Theresa's plight. Just because Jan Struthers committed an act of high treason and mailed Theresa's files to the Canadians doesn't mean that the British have to take this outrageous situation at face value. Struthers could just be (and probably is) stark raving mad. Moreover, nothing has actually happened to Theresa yet suggesting that she is in any kind of danger. The UK wouldn't violate its strong relationship with the United States just to protect a teenager who is currently completely fine.

However, the insanity really begins in chapter 5. After somehow surviving an atomic blast with the help of Coke bottles and garbage bags, Theresa awakes in an English hospital in the company of none other than Tony Peter Blair himself. Apparently the British government engaged in a large military operation to rescue Theresa and revive her after an improbable amount of time spent in the ocean. Upon her return, the British public mourned her "death" and gave this American citizen who had never before set foot in their country a hero's welcome. What makes this even more confusing is that Theresa is of Irish heritage.

To expand on this, Blair's treatment of Theresa is both absurd and rather disturbing. His only purpose in the story is to be a cheerleader for Theresa. Every action he makes concerning her is to tell the world how great she is and how all of her (horribly destructive) ideas are the machinations of a genius that will clearly save the world from problems that she herself caused. He has apparently completely forgotten his duties to the country that he was entrusted to serve, and entirely switched to Team Theresa. In the real world, the British public would be understandably angry that their leader prefers the ideas and actions of a young, spoiled, inexperienced foreigner to their own interests. However, 99.999% of the world is on Theresa's side at all times, so according to Norman's warped perception of reality Blair's actions are understandable and even commendable.

Theresa's English experience is roughly the same throughout the duration of the book, with the noble Parkers who house her and her somehow more unlikeable husband Steve functioning as nothing more than cheerleaders. Since their role in the story is so similar to Blair's, it would be redundant to devote another long analytical paragraph to them in what is already a lengthy subsection.

In conclusion, Norman has a strange fascination for his colonial cousins from across the pond, and especially their ex-prime minister Tony Blair, that veers into obsession. The UK is presented extremely sympathetically during the course of the story and as one of Theresa's greatest allies, even more so than the United States, which tried to kill her. This is especially odd considering Norman's notorious penchant for flag-waving.